Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
