FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
