I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
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But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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