i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
