i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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