my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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