I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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