dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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