he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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