guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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