He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
where are my eyebrows?
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