my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
