Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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