Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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