I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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