Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
