He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
