Already got asked if we're dating
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
