my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
