I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
