All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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