i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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