I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
