I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
