I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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