She is in my trunk
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
