you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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