My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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