Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
