I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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