please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
