Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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