apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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