Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
