you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
