ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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