I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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