Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
