everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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