Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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