Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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