she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
