be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
