i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
