I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
