i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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