I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
