I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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