did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
