Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You can't special order awesome
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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