so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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