so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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