im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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