after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
