I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
