Only a mothe r could love this liver
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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