can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
