I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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