Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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