Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
