Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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