We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
