When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
