never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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