did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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