Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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