the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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