kristin has been a bad kristin
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
