fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
