Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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