i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
